


how to save a life

by leeminteaa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bokuaka - Freeform, DCM, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:13:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeminteaa/pseuds/leeminteaa
Summary: ‘had i known, how to save a life.’
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	how to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys !! this is my first fic on AO3. my writing isn’t the best, but i hope you guys will enjoy my story anyway. 
> 
> VERY IMPORTANT !! this fic was inspired by ‘In Another Life’ by LittleLuxray and that one episode in greys anatomy. 
> 
> playlist for this fic:  
> \- how to save a life  
> \- break even instrumental  
> \- chasing cars  
> \- mr loverman

the hospital was a gloomy place. well, to akaashi anyways. but after three years of working here, he had gotten used to the stale and miserable atmosphere lingering around the hospital. 

he worked as a surgeon, hard work finally paying off after graduating from med school. but even though the pay was high and the hospital staff were friendly, there were cons too. he’s seen and experienced lots of unpleasant things, but at this point, he’s used to it. 

deaths, surgeries, chatty patients, he’s dealt with them all. on a daily basis. in fact, to akaashi, surgeries were better than chatty elderly patients. he wasn’t exactly a patient person, you see. 

but in conclusion, it was safe to say he was a tough person. well, it wasn’t like he had a choice. weak hearts didn’t do well in hospitals. and that goes both ways. 

it was just another tuesday, akaashi dressed in his usual attire of blue scrubs and white overcoat, hot latte in one hand and a sandwich in the other. after staying overtime in the OR yesterday, he was hoping he’d get a few milder cases today. needless to say, he was tired. he’d be needing a LOT more lattes to get him through the day. 

he steps off the elevator, and heads straight for the counter. 

“good morning, doctor keiji.” 

akaashi is greeted by his favourite nurse, a small blonde, his face half visible, covered by the video game console he was holding up to his face as he sat behind the counter, feet propped up against the table. 

it wasn’t very appropriate, but akaashi knew better than to lecture his friend about manners. not especially when kenma had caught him catching a quick nap in the toilet a few days ago; a result from a 26 hour shift. 

“morning, kenma-san,” akaashi replies curtly, leaning onto the table as he tries to peer over the desk, “what am i assigned to today?” 

“your file is over there,” kenma gestures with a small turn of his head, fingers too busy fiddling on the console. 

“file?” akaashi questions at the singular noun. 

“yeah. just one today,” kenma doesn’t look up from his game, eyes glued to the flashing screen. 

“thank you. i’ll see you later,” akaashi calls as he swipes the file off the desk, heading back towards the elevator. 

cramming the rest of his sandwich into his mouth not-so-elegantly, he flips open the file, studying it as his eyes scan over the little printed texts. 

ward 136. floor 8. 

akaashi reaches over to press the floor level, before leaning back onto the elevator walls to study the file once more. 

a patient of DCM. 

nothing akaashi’s haven’t dealt with before. but mind, every patient he’s ever had with this condition had died within a few months of care. so essentially, akaashi didn’t really have high hopes for this particular patient. 

getting off the lift, akaashi made a beeline to his assigned ward, dumping his empty coffee cup into the trash bin on his way. dusting his hands from the sandwich crumbs, he raises his hand to knock on the door. 

“come in!” 

upon hearing so, akaashi enters the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. he turns his gaze from the file and over to his new patient lying in his bed.

what akaashi noticed first was his salt and pepper hair, and his gleaming golden eyes, warm and inviting. and of course, he was wearing that dreadful hospital gown akaashi’s trained himself to see without cringing and hold in the urge to laugh when he treated his patients. 

really, the white and blue polka dot hospital gown was quite amusing. but after seeing hundreds of patients walk around in those for the past three years, the hideous hospital gowns were now numb in akaashi’s mind. 

but what puzzled the doctor was that the patient didn’t particularly look pale, or sick. 

he looked way to bright for a patient to be diagnosed with a heart condition. in fact, if it wasn’t for the heart monitor and nasal plugs connected to the ventilators hooked onto the patient, akaashi would have assumed he was a completely healthy person. 

“hey hey hey!” his patient smiles widely, even brighter than the morning sun shining through the windows, “you must be my new doctor!” 

“new?” akaashi quips, reaching over for the chart hanging next to the door. he skims through the papers, information registering in his brain. 

bokuto koutarou. 25 year old male, diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy. 

“who was your previous doctor?” akaashi asks without looking up from the chart, flipping to the next page. 

as of so far, no severe symptoms are observed since admitted. however, patient is still to be placed under careful observation and care. 

“i...i forgot his name,” bokuto admits hesitantly, and akaashi could hear the guilt in his voice, “but he’s really buff, and he has spiky hair! also, there was always another doctor lingering around him. brown fluffy hair?” 

“i see. that’s doctor hajime,” akaashi nods, voice flat and face straight, “and his intern.” 

admitted on 12th february. hooked onto respirator on 24th of february. currently on the heart transplant list as of on the 13th of february and 28th of march. 

akaashi stares at the chart, puzzled. 

what did it mean by ‘and 28th of march?’ was bokuto added to the list twice? 

“yeah!” bokuto’s face lights up at the name, “he’s the one.” 

“okay then,” akaashi hangs the chart back, directing his gaze over to the male, “so i’m assuming you know what condition you’re in?” 

“more or less?” bokuto frowns slightly as he hangs his head to the side, “i know it’s a heart thing. and it’s kind of serious.” 

akaashi shakes his head disapprovingly, “that’s too vague, you need to know what your exact... situation is.” 

“well, care to inform me then?” 

“mind you, i’m not too great at sugarcoating.” 

“is it so bad that you have to sugarcoat it?” 

akaashi looks at the patient’s face, and he doesn’t know how to feel, looking at his cheery and innocent expression. 

“um,” akaashi clears his throat, promptly ignoring bokuto’s question to go on with his explanation. 

“you have a heart disease called ‘dilated cardiomyopathy’, and what it is is that your heart muscle is too weak to pump out the amount of blood your body requires.”

“it’s fatal without proper care and treatment, but see these machines here?” akaashi lays a hand on the white machine nearest to him, “these are keeping you alive right now. they’re helping you regulate your breathing.” 

“but of course, there’s also a limit. these machines won’t keep you alive forever, which is why you need a new heart. you’re on the heart transplant list, and once we have obtained one for you, we will replace your current one with the new one.” 

“but what you also need to know is that these procedures are very risky, and will not work a hundred percent of the time—“ 

“oh trust me, i know,” bokuto laughs slightly, pointing right at his chest, “this is my second heart.” 

“oh.” 

oh. 

it makes sense now. 

akaashi thinks back to the chart and the two dates set in it. 

“well then, that’s about it,” he turns back to bokuto with a forced smile, “any questions?” 

“not really. except,” akaashi notices how bokuto fiddles with his blankets nervously as he stares up the the stony faced doctor, “do you now when i’ll get my next heart? no offence, but, i’ve been staying in a hospital for five months now, and i’m hoping to get out soon, you know?” 

“well, you have every right to feel that way,” akaashi shrugs, free of judgement. heck, he didn’t know how he could lie in a bed, stationary for five months all while being supported by four machines. 

“as for your heart, we won’t ever know for sure. but if you would like, i could make a call and ask how far you are up the list.”

“oh no, i wouldn’t want to trouble anyone,” bokuto shakes his hands, embarrassed, “also, how much longer can i live on with these machines?” 

“with your current condition, i’d say two years maximum,” as he heads to the door, akaashi turns back and catches a glimpse of bokuto’s unsure demeanour. 

“oh, don’t worry. you’ll definitely be out by then.” 

—

it’s 12:30 in the afternoon. 

akaashi picks up his second sandwich of the day and heads straight over to where his colleagues were gathered round their usual lunch table. 

pulling a chair out and sitting down, he unwraps his sandwich with little energy to spare, stabbing his fork into the bun. 

“tough day?” 

akaashi looks up at kuroo tetsurou, his usual sly smirk implanted on his face, half of his face covered, courtesy of his messy bed hair. 

“no. just tired.” 

“felt,” semi sounds from across the table, exhaustion clear in his scowling features, “ just had a five hour surgery. that guy had a huge tumor in his chest. it wasn’t very pleasant.” 

“was it successful?” iwaizumi asks, but semi’s solemn face had said it all. 

a moment of peace passes between the doctors before akaashi makes it a point to speak up.

“iwaizumi san.” 

said surgeon doesn’t reply, but he raises an eyebrow in question, prompting akaashi to go on. 

“your old patient, bokuto koutarou? he’s now become my patient. any reason why? i’m just curious.” 

“no, the chief reassigned the case to you because you are more experienced in this field of disease.” 

“i see,” akaashi hums, “anything i should take note of, then?” 

“oh yeah, definitely,” iwaizumi turns his full attention over to akaashi, who leans forward slightly attentively, “he’s very emotionally driven. i don’t think his mood swings are a part of his condition’s symptoms though, but you should still watch out for those. they’re very unpredictable.” 

“he cried once when i won him in a game of arm wrestling,” iwaizumi smiles lightly at the memory, popping a chip in his mouth. 

“alright, noted.” 

another moment of silence passed between them, but it was soon disrupted, by exactly who akaashi was expecting at this time of day. 

“it’s a lovely morning surgeons! doctor iwa, where’s oikawa?” the head nurse pops out from between them, face bright and glowing. 

after working at the hospital for so many years, akaashi had gotten used to tendou’s very sudden greetings. just like how he had gotten used to the hospital gowns and terrible coffees the cafeteria served. 

akaashi doesn’t fail to notice the chief of surgery lingering behind the red-haired nurse, throwing the four doctors a subtle nod. another thing akaashi’s learnt about his working place was that tendou often tended to follow the chief around, and vice versa. so he wasn’t exactly surprised to see him standing a few feet away from the red head. 

“hello tendou. hello ushijima-kun,” iwaizumi greets the duo in respect, nodding his head back, “he had worked a forty two hour shift, so i’ve sent tooru home.” 

“damn,” tendou clicks his tongue in disappointment, “i wanted to show him my new addition to my manga collection.” 

“tendou, let’s go,” ushijima clearly looked uncomfortable in the crowds of people swarming around the cafeteria, steel eyes drilling straight into tendou’s gleaming ones. 

sometimes akaashi questioned their relationship. they were parallel opposites, but it seemed like they had a great bond. but it was a nice sight to see, the chief looking so fondly at the nurse. 

tendou pats semi on the head as a farewell (‘tendou don’t test me, i’ll amputate your arms—‘) and flashes the rest of the doctors another ones of his unsettling yet familiar smiles, “i’ll see you guys later.” 

—

“doctor keiji!” 

akaashi winces at the loud greeting the minute he stepped into ward 136. he wasn’t very fond of loud noises. especially not in the mornings. 

“good morning, mr koutarou.” 

“you don’t need to call me that,” bokuto scrunches up nose up, “it’s too formal. i don’t like it.” 

“okay...” akaashi lets his eyes wonder around the room as he thinks of a suitable way to address for his patient, “is bokuto-san alright? you’re two years older than me.” 

“yeah! that’s good,” a smile spreads across his face, golden eyes glowing in content, “then, would you mind if i called you by your name? it’s totally fine if you’re not comfortable!” 

akaashi furrows his eyebrows and quirks his lips to the side slightly. he’s never received a request like this before; but he supposed he didn’t mind. 

“you can call me akaashi.” 

“akaashi,” bokuto repeats, a happy blush dusting his cheeks, “keiji akaashi. you have a pretty name.” 

akaashi widens his eyes at the sudden compliment, catching him off guard as he quickly thinks of ways to reply. 

“um... thank you...” 

ignoring his voice crack, akaashi fixes his coat to distract himself from bokuto’s forward stare, “so... how are you feeling today?” 

“i feel fine,” akaashi lets out a small breath he didn’t know he had been holding in, as bokuto turns to gaze outside the windows, finally free of his penetrating eyes, “just like any other day.” 

“that’s good,” akaashi slides the chart back to its original spot after making a few adjustments, “would you like anything in particular today? anything you’d like to eat—” 

“i want to get to know you!” bokuto exclaims, excitement evident in his voice, but he quickly quietens down, “i mean, only if you’re fine with it.” 

“that’s alright, bokuto-san,” akaashi sets the files in his hand down as he takes a seat next to the bed, crossing his arms across his chest, “ask me anything you want.” 

“okay!” bokuto sits up, an eager gleam shines in his eyes, “what’s your favourite sport?” 

“favourite sport?” akaashi ponders slightly, pressing his index finger against his chin, “i don’t have one, i should think. i’ve never had any time for sport. what about you, bokuto-san?” 

“volleyball! i play lots of volleyball!” looking at bokuto’s lively and animated antics, akaashi couldn’t help but feel the corners of his mouth twist up. it was rather endearing to see someone so energetic and childish. 

it was almost refreshing. 

“i used to be captain and ace in my high school volleyball team!” bokuto brags, chest puffed out with pride, “we were a powerhouse school! we always made it to nationals.” 

“that must be nice,” the doctor offers a polite smile and nod. 

now that he’s thought about it, akaashi had never played a sport. unless the PE lessons he had in third grade counted. he never really had any time for sports. well, it wasn’t like he wanted to play, anyways. 

so akaashi figured that he didn’t miss out on anything great. 

“believe me, it was,” bokuto looked like a ray of sunshine at this very moment, sparkling and golden, and just the way he looked so happy, akaashi couldn’t help but feel his morning get just a little better. 

“i was supposed to go pro.” 

and all of a sudden, the joy in his voice had disappeared without a trace, now replaced with a forlorn and gloomy tone. 

“you know, until this happened.” 

akaashi couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy for the man sitting beside him. it wasn’t fair for someone to get robbed of their passions and dreams just because of some illness they had. but it was just the reality of this world. 

akaashi knew that even if bokuto had left the hospital with a new functioning heart, it would be too risky for him to be playing any sport, especially ball games like volleyball. 

“you know, one of my colleagues play volleyball too. i’ll introduce you to him sometime,” akaashi tries to lighten the mood, and at once, bokuto snaps his head up, smiling ear-to-ear. 

“really?” 

“yes,” akaashi assures bokuto, standing up to smoothen down the creases in his coat, “you and kuroo-san would get along well, i should think. i have to go and do my rounds now. i’ll bring him over after lunchtime.” 

“i look forward to meeting him, then!” bokuto waves profusely at akaashi, who waves back with a slight smile, “bye bye, ‘kaashi!” 

—

as expected, bokuto and kuroo had immediately hit off. for the past two hours, akaashi had watched the two goof off in the small confinement. 

it was amusing to watch the two joke around and argue, and it almost hurt akaashi to see bokuto laughing so brightly. he was like the human embodiment of the sun. 

“we could totally have a match after your surgery!” 

these words jerk akaashi out of his thoughts, and he shoots a stare over at kuroo, who was currently oblivious to akaashi’s glare. 

“doctor tetsurou, i think you should leave now,” akaashi clears his throat, heaving kuroo up to his feet, who protests in confusion. 

“why should i? i’m clear for surgery until four. it’s still two...?” 

“kenma wants you,” akaashi lies, twisting his fingers behind his back, “he said he has a case for you.” 

kuroo perks up at the blonde’s name, not wasting another second as he speeds over to the door, but not before he shoots finger guns at both bokuto and akaashi as a bid goodbye. 

akaashi sighs in relief, but the guilt of sending kuroo over to kenma settles in his mind. hopefully kenma would get the message and send kuroo off to scrub some toilets. 

akaashi makes a mental note to buy both of his friends a round of drinks after their shifts. 

“i like him, ‘kaashi!” bokuto says merrily, showing off the newly added contact in his phone, “maybe life here won’t be so boring, after all.” 

“it won’t be boring, bokuto-san,” akaashi affirms, the words slipping out of his mouth before he could clearly process what he was spewing out, “not with us. so don’t worry.” 

—

“can we go out to the park downstairs, akaashi?”

bokuto’s expectant eyes drill into akaashi’s, hopeful and bright. 

the black-haired male is taken aback from the sudden request, or maybe more so on how to answer him. 

“bokuto-san, i can’t bring you down as long as you are using the ventilator.” 

“oh,” bokuto bites his lip in disappointment, and akaashi busies himself with organising his files to avoid bokuto’s crestfallen face. 

“would you like to watch a volleyball match with me then?” bokuto asks, pointing over to the tv, “there’s a live match going on right now.”

“i suppose i could watch a game,” akaashi hums in agreement, pushing his files over to the side. he walks over to his usual spot in the chair next to bokuto’s bed, but before he could sit, the patient grabs his hand and gestures to the empty space beside him on the bed. 

“oh no, i can’t possibly—“ 

“please?” 

akaashi curses internally and he can feel his walls crumble inside of him. declining his request to the park was already hard enough, he really didn’t want to make bokuto feel any worse.

since when have i become such a pushover?

akaashi questions himself as he settles down on the very edge of the hospital bed with hesitance, tense and unsure. but bokuto makes a happy noise, and almost immediately, akaashi feels a strange sentiment of reassurance. 

“see that spiker?” bokuto points over to the television, round eyes focused intently on the game, “his high school team used to play against mine. we’re still good friends, through.” 

“that’s good.” 

“still, every time i see him on tv, i get so envious,” a sigh slips past bokuto’s lips as he stares at the flickering screen with a sorrowful gaze, “each time i see him play, i keep thinking to myself, you know, that could have been me.” 

“...aren’t you planning to continue playing after?” 

bokuto turns to look at akaashi, with a somewhat puzzled expression, “no, not with my heart condition. doctor hajime had already told me there are still risks after the surgery, no?” 

“then why’d you agree to the match with kuroo a few weeks ago?” 

“i never said i agreed...” 

bokuto trails off softly, and an awkward moment of silence takes place in the room. 

“i’m sorry, bokuto-san.” 

“what for?” 

“i’m just... sorry.” 

“don’t be,” bokuto turns back to face akaashi, but this time, there was a look in his eyes that akaashi had never seen before. his eyes were sad and grave, “don’t apologise for how the world is. i’ve already learnt to accept my fate, no matter what outcome i’ll get.” 

akaashi swallows a lump in his throat, a feeling of respect growing in his chest, for this peculiar patient he had met three weeks ago. 

“by the way, your eyes are really pretty,” bokuto mumbles, transfixing his eyes to stare into keiji’s, “they’re a really unique shade of blue.” 

“you have to stop with the compliments, bokuto-san,” akaashi smiles lightly, suddenly feeling remarkably warm after receiving his fifth compliment of the week, “at this point, i should think you’re flirting with me.” 

“keiji akaashi, teasing me?” bokuto’s eyes widen in mock surprise, hands flying up to cover his mouth, “who are you and what have you done to my doctor?” 

“oh hush,” akaashi chuckles softly, swatting at bokuto’s hands, “i can have a bit of fun, too.” 

bokuto doesn’t say anything to reply, but a beautiful smile takes place on his face, one of just pure joy, “you’re opening up to me.” 

akaashi looks up in surprise, unsure how to respond as he cracks his knuckles nervously, “is... is that okay?” 

“of course!” bokuto crows happily, golden eyes disappearing as they turn into small crescents.

“also, for the record, i was flirting with you.” 

and despite working a twenty hour shift that day, akaashi couldn’t get a wink of sleep as bokuto’s statement replayed in his mind throughout the whole night. 

—

“you look a little more awful than usual.” 

“thank you, kozume.” 

“you’re welcome,” the blonde replies, tone dry and sarcastic, eyes darting across the small phone screen in his hands, “i’ll be nice. what’s up?” 

“my new patient,” akaashi leans against the counter, eyes trained on a nasty yellow stain prominent on the white ceiling, “he’s... trouble.” 

“trouble... as in he’s causing you trouble?” 

“no,” akaashi frowns deeply, “just trouble.” 

“i can’t help you then,” kenma’s voice is barely audible over the gaming sounds emitting from his phone, “you should ask iwaizumi for advice. he deals with trouble everyday.” 

akaashi smirks at the snide remark, tossing his head back to glance at kenma, “that’s not very nice.”

“just the truth,” kenma responds bluntly, but soon after he replies, akaashi could sense a change of mood between them. 

turning over, akaashi was surprised to see that the small male had tucked his phone away. when kenma puts away his devices at work, it could only mean one of two things. 

one, the chief of surgery coming in for his daily inspections. but that was ruled out, since the chief only did so in the evenings. which meant...

“oh god, he’s here,” kenma groans, eyes desperate as he searches for an escape route, “quick, where can i hide?” 

akaashi doesn’t say anything. instead, he points over to a brown door down the hallway three rooms down, which was labeled as ‘supply closest’. 

“thank you,” kenma whispers a breath of relief, slinking away just as kuroo approaches the counter, obvious misery painted all over his face. 

“kenma’s running away from me, isn’t he?” 

akaashi contains a laugh as he walks past the tall surgeon, “i know nothing, kuroo-san.” 

—

“akaashi!” 

keiji smiles at the familiar greeting. who would have known, for akaashi to take a sudden liking to loud mornings? 

maybe it wasn’t so much the loud mornings, and more of who were causing the loud mornings. 

“good morning, bokuto-san,” akaashi closes the door behind him, seating himself down on bokuto’s bed, out of habit, “i brought you a donut.” 

“thanks ‘kaashi!” bokuto receives the dessert, his usual happy aura glowing as bright as every other day, “i was thinking we could watch a movie together today. you know, like a first date?” 

akaashi feels a breath catch in his throat. did he hear the last word right? date?

“i...i have work to do too, bokuto-san,” akaashi mumbles, ignoring the burning sensation at the tip of his ears, “and i never said i’d go out with you.” 

“i’m just shooting my shot, ‘kaashi,” bokuto didn’t seem disheartened by akaashi’s response, but rather more challenged, “and i’ll keep going until you accept!” 

“isn’t this some form of harassment, then?” akaashi teases as he gets up to draw the curtains open, and he was positive he could hear the pout in bokuto’s voice. 

“you haven’t accepted my courtship yet.” 

“pulling big words here, i see.” 

“are you impressed?” 

akaashi lets a light giggle slip past his lips, and bokuto takes that as a yes. 

“i suppose i can spare some time for you,” the doctor decides, and bokuto hoots in excitement, “but if i’m paged, i’ll have to leave immediately, got it?” 

“yeah!” bokuto scrambled to move aside for akaashi to sit, and reached over his wires and machines to grab his laptop, “what do you want to watch?” 

“anything is good.” 

“that’s not very helpful,” bokuto reprimands as his fingers fly over the keyboard, quickly pulling up a website, “how about an action movie?” 

“sure,” akaashi watches the screen as bokuto scrolls down, but a sudden something caught his eye, piquing his interest. 

“what’s that?” 

“that’s jurassic park. don’t tell me you haven’t watched that before,” bokuto stares at akaashi in disbelief, who shakes his head tentatively. 

“alright, looks like we got our first movie, then.”

—

over the next two months, it was safe to say akaashi had formed an... interesting bond with his patient. 

he had learnt lots about bokuto koutarou. for one, he always had the distinct scent of vanilla. it was comforting, and was probably due to the amount of vanilla milkshakes he drank a day. 

seriously, it was concerning. 

and another thing were the constant mood swings. anything could drive him up and down emotionally easily, like when bokuto cried for a solid twenty minutes when he had claimed to witness a squirrel fall out of the tree outside his window on a wednesday afternoon. 

or maybe when bokuto kissed akaashi out of excitement when he had won a round of ‘go fish’ against kuroo. on the cheek, though. so naturally, akaashi didn’t think much of it. 

but undoubtedly, they both had gotten much closer; as close as akaashi could receive his daily compliments without having his cheeks flushed red, or bokuto would even sometimes sneak in knuckle kisses during their small movie dates, and akaashi wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. 

however, with that being said, bokuto’s condition had also worsened over the past few weeks. his symptoms had begun to show up, like how he often had brief hyperventilations, or when sometimes he would get a sudden short of breath, and akaashi noticed the wariness and fatigue bokuto was trying too hard to hide under his mask. 

akaashi saw right through him. 

but stubbornly, bokuto had insisted that he felt “as healthy as a horse” and he didn’t need to be placed in any more care than he already was in. even so, akaashi was determined to spend every moment of his free time with the DCM patient, sometimes even staying overnight in the ward when he felt too tired to drive home. 

it was friday today. 

friday no longer registered as the day before the weekend for akaashi. instead, now, it meant date night. 

so just like any other friday evening, akaashi is comfy and bundled up next to bokuto in the hospital bed, watching as the patient scroll through the list of available movies. 

“how about a classic?”

“what kind?” 

akaashi can’t help but lean forward to rest his chin on bokuto’s shoulder as the two scan through the list of movies. 

“how does titanic sound?” 

“who would’ve known you’d be such a romantic?” 

bokuto laughs heartily at akaashi’s joke, dreamy golden eyes locking into akaashi’s icy blue ones, “oh, you’ll be surprised.” 

“just play the movie,” akaashi doesn’t hold back his fond smile, and bokuto is obviously pleased, pressing a kiss to his ear. 

“bossy.” 

—

it was pitch black out by the time the movie had finished, no source of light could be seen from the ward’s window. it was a cloudy night, covering the moon’s beams and glittering stars. 

surprisingly, the two had made it through the whole movie with no tears shed. instead, for the whole three hours, the two were paying more attention to each other than the actual movie. 

“you know,” bokuto starts, closing off his laptop, and the room falls dark, the only source of light now gone, “if you think about it, our situation right now is a little like a tragic romance movie.” 

“what about it is tragic?” akaashi asks bluntly, and bokuto tilts his head to laugh at akaashi’s oblivious question. 

“everything!” bokuto snorts, clearly unbothered by the subject, “i have a fatal heart condition, and my chances of survival aren’t that great.” 

“don’t say that,” akaashi frowns, his tone sharp and bitter, “that’s only if you don’t get a heart transplant. or if the surgery isn’t successful.” 

“there are still some risks after,” bokuto points out, but akaashi is done with all the depressing talk, poking the older male’s chest with annoyance. 

“i won’t let that happen.” 

“i hope not,” bokuto nuzzles his nose against the doctor’s cheek, “i love you lots, you know?” 

a breath catches in akaashi’s throat. this was the first time bokuto had ever said the three worded phrase so directly. 

but he supposes he’s prepared for it, because his cheeks don’t go rosy, and a smile ghosts over his lips, “i know.” 

the clouds must have parted then, because the moonbeams shone through the window and illuminated bokuto’s whole face, but his golden eyes were the brightest lights in the room. 

“...i love you too.” 

bokuto breaks into a wide smile, wrapping akaashi in his embrace, and he buries his face into his shoulder. 

“if i make it out of here healthy...” 

his voice is muffled from the pressed materials against his mouth, but akaashi could still make out the words clearly. 

“what is it?” he asks gently, hands reaching up to card his fingers through the soft tuffs of hair. 

“never mind,” bokuto bites back on his words, and he falls back into the bed, and akaashi follows suit, pressed up comfortably to the warm body next to him. 

“i’ll tell you when the time is right.” 

“i’ll hold you against that.” 

a chuckle arises, and akaashi could feel the rumble of bokuto’s chest vibrate lowly. 

“goodnight, keiji.” 

“goodnight.” 

akaashi’s eyes flutter close. 

he could smell the light fragrance of vanilla wafting into his nose. and it was welcomed, of course. 

—

akaashi bursts through the stairs, and he runs straight over to the ward he’s way to familiar with. in fact, even with a blindfold on, akaashi was positive that his legs could carry him straight over to room 136 based on muscle memory. 

“no running in the halls!” 

a nurse’s voice sounds behind him, but the surgeon ignores it easily, ears burning and eyes fiery. the moment he had heard the news, akaashi had bulldozed his way up to the eighth floor. even his morning latte was forgotten, but the information he had right now was way more important than coffee. 

“koutarou!” akaashi fumbles with the door for a second before it swings open with much gusto. 

“woah, where’s the fire?” bokuto shoots up from his bed, and akaashi practically kneels next to bokuto, fingers shaking as he passes bokuto the papers he gripped in his hands. 

bokuto takes the papers, quickly skimming through as akaashi pants heavily beside him, taking a moment to catch his breath. 

“akaashi...” bokuto’s golden eyes trail from the papers over to akaashi’s expectant blue ones, “is this...?” 

“they found you a heart, bokuto-san.” 

bokuto is breathless, but his eyes says it all, brimming with so much happiness, and ecstatic tears. 

“i thought i’d never get another one...” 

“i told you everything was going to work out just fine,” akaashi whispers, heart still pounding from the eight flights of stairs he had raced up, “and everything from now on will be, too.” 

“keiji,” bokuto’s tone turns serious, and akaashi snaps his head up to meet his eyes, a question running on his tongue. 

why the sudden tense atmosphere? 

but before he could ask, bokuto beat him to it. 

“marry me.” 

a silence falls upon the room, as akaashi takes a moment to search bokuto’s eyes for a familiar sense of mischief and tease. 

but his eyes glint with truth, and pure joy. 

akaashi could feel his heart start pounding over a whole other reason entirely. 

“did you...” akaashi swallows, his brain still taking time to fully process bokuto’s sudden proposal, “just ask...” 

“oh...” bokuto’s eyes widen when akaashi doesn’t answer, taking his silence as a rejection, hanging his head shamefully, “i... i’m sorry, it was too sudden, wasn’t it?” 

“no!” akaashi realises he had taken too long to answer, and he stutters an apology, “i-i meant yes! i’m sorry i took so long to answer, yeah i mean it was really sudden, but yes!” 

“yes?” bokuto breaks out into a relieved laugh, the cheery sound fills the room and rids the remaining tension, “you said yes, didn’t you?” 

“yes! yes!” akaashi repeats, his purest emotions spill out as a form of tears, as they trickle down his face, and he reaches out to grip his lover’s hands.

“i’m glad—,” bokuto utters tenderly, voice full of raw sentiment, “—you agreed.”

akaashi leans forward and kisses him softly, inhaling the consoling scent of vanilla clouding the air around him. 

he felt safe. 

—

“we should go ring shopping right after i’m discharged!” bokuto suggests, and akaashi could see his golden eyes shining brightly in the dark hospital room, “wait, will your shift be over when i’m discharged?” 

“i would hope so,” akaashi smiles, as he tidies up the pillows bokuto were leaning on, adjusting them so that his fiancé could feel a little more comfortable. 

“i’ll wait for you! downstairs!” 

“i work forty hour shifts sometimes, kou,” akaashi laughs at bokuto’s proposal. 

“forty minutes, forty hours, or forty weeks, i will wait,” bokuto promises, and akaashi can feel his cheeks turn rosy, eyes darting to the ground shyly. 

“thank you, bokuto-san.” 

silence fills the room. akaashi could sense the change of mood, and he raises his head in question, and seeing bokuto’s empty, uncertain face, akaashi feels perplexed. 

“hey... what’s wrong?” 

“i want you to have this,” bokuto reaches over to the nightstand and offers akaashi a neatly folded piece of paper, “it’s a letter. in case, you know...” 

bokuto trails off, golden eyes drifting away from blue ones. 

teary blue ones. 

“stop it,” akaashi whispers, pushing bokuto’s hands away, trying his very best to ignore bokuto’s soft pleading, “i’ve told you many times before... you’ll make it.”

even so, he couldn’t contain the tremor in his hands. 

“just take it, keiji. please.” 

stop it. 

stop it. 

stop looking at me like that. 

with much reluctance, akaashi grasps the letter and tucks it into his coat pocket with a slight grimace, “happy, koutarou?” 

“yes,” a relieved exhale leaves bokuto’s lips, his eyes regaining its usual spark, and akaashi could feel the world slows to a complete stop as a smile spreads across the patient’s face. 

this smile is different. 

it’s hopeful; wistful. 

and akaashi hates it. 

he hates how it feels like bokuto had given up. because he wasn’t giving up on him. 

and staring into koutarou’s eyes that reflected keiji’s whole world, he feels a slight sense of ease. they were still as beautiful and strong when he had first seen them.

they still sparkled. 

—

akaashi couldn’t concentrate. 

every few seconds, he subconsciously glances over at the clock hanging on the dull grey walls of the OR. 

each second felt like an eternity. 

“nine blade,” akaashi mumbles, holding out his hand for the scalpel. 

“pardon me doctor keiji, but i think the ten blade would be more efficient with this patient,” tooru chirps from across the table, and akaashi is startled by the sudden loud statement, dropping the blade onto the ground. 

it falls with a clang onto the ground, and the interns and nurses in the OR turn to akaashi, each expressing an equal amount of shock on their faces. 

akaashi keiji never messes up. 

never. 

whether if it was getting one of his coworkers a cup of coffee of their preference, or executing a highly complicated surgery for thoroughly experienced surgeons, it was a fact that akaashi never messes up. it just wasn’t in his blood. 

but now, all akaashi can think about is the possibility that koutarou could be dead right now. his mind is spinning and muddled, and he feels like he’s suffocating in the suddenly much-too-crowded operation room. 

he knew he was being paranoid. the chief was the best surgeon in the department. or heck, maybe even the entire board. but he just couldn’t push away the creeping feeling of fear and anxiety pooling in his stomach. 

uneasy glances were exchanged around the room from both doctors and nurses alike, before iwaizumi clears his throat to break the awkward silence. 

“doctor keiji, take a break,” he offers, offering the surgeon opposite him a sympathetic look, “i’ll take over.”

“...thanks,” akaashi drops the medical tools into hajime’s hand, and steps aside from the patient on the table. his head was winded up too much for him to focus, he needed to get out of here, and get some news about bokuto. 

stripping off his gloves, mask and scrubs, akaashi slips out of the room, breathing in the fresh air. his mind felt a little clearer now, but the feeling of worry and distress is enough to make him nauseous and dizzy. 

just then, a train of exhaustion hits him, and he slumps to the ground drowsily. he hadn’t gotten much sleep over the past week, and he had a good guess why. 

glancing at his watch, he realises he still has a few more hours before bokuto would be done with his surgery. 

sleeping slouched against the wall didn’t seem like a bad idea to akaashi at the moment. 

overcome by his depleted strength and energy, akaashi shuts his eyes, and hopes for the best. 

—

when akaashi cranes his eyes open, the first thing he sees is kuroo’s face inches away from his. 

“your face close up to mine isn’t something i’d like to see when i first open my eyes, doctor tetsurou,” akaashi mumbles feebly, propping himself up as his back screams in pain. 

“hey, be nice to me,” kuroo scowls, but he doesn’t hesitate to lend akaashi a helping hand up, “don’t you want to know why i’ve come to disturb you anyways?” 

akaashi snaps his eyes right up to kuroo’s, hopeful and anxious. he tries to find the words, but his mind is blank and fuzzy. 

“he’s up and asking for you.”

keiji feels his mouth go dry and relief overwhelms him, eyes watering with unexplainable happiness. 

“thank you, kuroo-san,” is the last thing akaashi says before running off to the eighth floor, surroundings whizzing by him in a blur. 

akaashi halts to a stop before ward 136, adrenaline still pumping in his blood. he inhales deeply to control his breathing before bringing a shaky hand up to knock. 

“come in!” 

he pushes the door open, and the sight that greets him is enough to make his knees buckle under him. 

bokuto sits on his bed with a proud beam and arms wide open for him, but what elates akaashi the most is seeing the white ventilator by his bedside gone.

akaashi doesn’t say a word, but he restrains his tears as he walks over, draping himself over the older male. 

“hi keiji,” bokuto smiles, hand reaching up to caress akaashi’s face, fondling his hair gently, “guess what? i made it.”

“you did,” akaashi swallows, looking up to meet golden expectant eyes, “i’m glad.” 

akaashi settles down next to bokuto comfortably, resting his head right on his chest, nuzzling his neck affectionately. 

“you hear my heart?” bokuto whispers, and akaashi nods curtly. 

“it’s beating for you, keiji.” 

pressing his ear against the left side of bokuto’s chest, akaashi takes in the sound of the lulling heartbeat. 

“keep it beating for me, koutarou.” 

—

“you were so worried!” 

“was not.” 

“was too!”

bokuto and akaashi’s voices bounce off the walls of the ward, hints of mockery laced behind their argument. 

“face it akaashi,” bokuto grins stupidly, golden eyes flashing, “you were. i heard all about it from oikawa and kuroo.” 

akaashi finally breaks into a teasing smile, “okay, you caught me—“

bokuto’s eyes flashes with delight. 

“—but i had every right to be worried.” 

“yes, you did.” 

akaashi lets a chuckle slip past him, crossing his arms across his chest, “then why are you making such a big deal about it?” 

“why can’t i?” bokuto shoots back his own teasing grin, flashing his pearly white teeth, “it makes me feel good.” 

“whatever,” akaashi turns to the clock on the wall, quickly working out the time. twelve o’clock. they should get here anytime soon...

“coming in~” 

ah. there they are. 

akaashi makes out the muffled sing-song voice behind the door before it swings open, revealing the party waiting outside. 

“hello kou-chan!” tooru is the first to greet him, prancing in with his usual charming smile plastered on his face, “congratulations on your new heart!” 

“oya?” kuroo is the next to speak, smirking as he shoots finger guns at bokuto, “you look so much better.” 

slowly, the group streams in, holding all kinds of gifts and presents in their hands, asking all sorts of questions, and handing out compliments and congratulations. 

seeing bokuto’s glowering face was definitely worth all the hassles and hoops akaashi had to jump through to get all of his friends gathered together here. 

akaashi smiles genuinely at the heartwarming sight, taking a mental photo of this moment to forever imprint in his mind; one of all his loved ones gathered in one place. 

—

it’s been a week since bokuto had the surgery. and it would be another before he could get discharged from the hospital. it was always a procedure required to be done here, to monitor the patients after an important surgery before they could return home. 

december third. 

akaashi checks his watch. it was eleven. he was in the cafeteria, finishing up on his salad, or rather his dinner, after his shift. 

he’d made a decision to visit koutarou when he was done, but before that, he thought he’d might get a vanilla milkshake for bokuto as a pleasant surprise. 

he deserved one anyways. he hadn’t had one since his surgery. akaashi was sure he was craving for one. 

so there akaashi was, gripping the cold, condensing drink in his hands as he rides the elevator, eyes trained on the lit displayed numbers after passing each floor. 

akaashi steps off the lift and heads straight down the dark hallway. the moon glowed brightly through the glass windows, lighting up akaashi’s path. 

akaashi knocks on the door, but there was no answer. 

he frowns. something felt off. 

pressing his ear against the door, he then notices the faint sound of a flatline could be heard from the room. 

akaashi’s heart starts to accelerate, but he shakes away the thought. there was no way...

he pushes the door open, praying to see bokuto’s golden eyes stare earnestly back at him. but all he sees now is bokuto slouched against the pillows, eyes shut and head tilted forward. 

he could feel his airways tighten up, seeing the sight upon him. 

“h-hey...” 

akaashi feels like he’s been socked in the gut; he’s short of breath as he drops the beverage, its contents spilling onto the floor as he runs toward the lifeless male, shaking hands flying up to cup his face. 

“koutarou!” 

the loud flatline rings in akaashi’s ears, but he mutes out the rest of the world as he tries ever so desperately to wake bokuto up. 

“koutarou, wake up!” a sob rips from akaashi’s throat, shaking said person’s shoulders harshly, he’s choking on his words as the tears sting his eyes and roll down his pale cheeks. 

it’s no use. 

he stares at the monitor numbly, and the flatline stares right back at him. it feels like a slap in the face, stinging and aching. 

he swallows, reaching out for the monitor. unexplainable guilt, regret and pain swells in his heart when he registers the timing of bokuto’s last breath. 

akaashi grabs ahold of the phone hanging on the wall, dialling in the front desk’s number, and each second that passed felt like another stab to his heart. 

“hello?” 

“kozume,” akaashi’s voice is nothing more than a mere whisper, strained and weary, “bokuto koutarou. time of death, eleven... eleven fifteen pm.” 

akaashi hangs up the phone without another word, turning back to look at bokuto’s still body. 

he’s really gone. 

reality takes a moment to sink into akaashi’s brain, and when it does, akaashi unravels. he sobs loudly into his trembling hands; he’s undone, he can’t control his thoughts as they spiral around his head.

i didn’t even get to say goodbye...

he grabs the left side of his chest tightly. 

it hurt. 

it hurt so much. 

“damnit... DAMNIT!” akaashi screams, knees slumping to the ground, balling his fist up and punching the ground below him. the cracking sound is sickening, but keiji doesn’t notice; not even the searing pain that soon takes place in his knuckles. 

if he had just gotten here three minutes sooner... 

“damnit, damnit, damnit...” 

akaashi’s voice gradually fades into silence before he gathers all his strength to pull himself up and lie down next to his dead lover. 

burying his face into bokuto’s shoulder, akaashi cries softly into the cold figure, arms wrapped around the body, holding it close to himself. 

time ticks by, but he doesn’t move an inch. he eventually drifts to sleep, overcome by the pain and fatigue draped over him like a blanket. 

eyes fluttering close, he takes in one last glance at bokuto’s face before blacking out. 

—

a whole year had passed since the incident, and akaashi was doing fine. or as fine as he could be. 

if fine meant constant lingering pain and guilt, then he was definitely doing just fine. his broken heart hadn’t completely healed yet, but he’s made it a point to live with the little remaining cracks permanently embedded in it. 

he still had the letter. buried deep in his white doctor coat, creased but untouched. 

as much as he hated to admit it, he was scared to open it. he didn’t want to deepen the scar any further than it already was. 

but today, on december third, akaashi eventually comes to the terms that bokuto would have probably have wanted him to read it. and he might as well do it now while he had the courage to do so. 

so he makes himself comfortable in bokuto’s  
old ward, settling right by the empty bed he used to spend all his nights in. 

akaashi takes in a steadying breath. 

he reaches in for the letter, unfolding it with immerse care and gingerly smoothes it out. 

seeing bokuto’s messy handwriting again feels like a sharp dagger to his heart, but it was too late to turn back now. 

—

keiji, 

remember when i said that i was afraid that my stay in the hospital would be boring? well, it never was. not because of all the company you and kuroo brought me, but because i spent every minute in the hospital alone planning my future with you. so no, it was never boring. 

but if you’re reading this, i guess the future i’ve planned for us didn’t work out after all; and i want to throughly apologise for that. 

i’m sorry that i didn’t make it. i’m sorry that i left you alone. but please know that these were never my intentions, and that i am truly, sincerely sorry. 

you were good to me, akaashi. you were patient with me, you didn’t make fun of me when i made mistakes, you stayed with me when i needed you, and most importantly, you loved me. 

and no matter what happens, i want you to never, ever, blame yourself for whatever the outcome might have been. 

i loved you, and i will always continue to love you, alive or in spirit. and even these three words can’t express how much you mean to me. you were an angel sent to me when i was at my darkest, and you helped me find light. 

you’re still young, and have a whole life ahead of you. find love again, and make sure he or she makes you smile that beautiful smile of yours. and lastly, if it isn’t too selfish, i have one last request to make; please don’t ever forget me. 

and thanks to you, i got to die happy. 

i love you. 

—

akaashi’s eyes burn as he reads the letter, hands shaking as he tries his best to read through blurred vision and hot tears. 

only one thought remains in akaashi’s blank mind; he was the cause of bokuto’s lost life. 

akaashi screws his eyes shut, but fresh tears still manages to escape, hot tears flow constantly down his cheeks. he buries his head in his hands as he cries into his knees, bunched up, all alone in the dark, in the comfort of bokuto’s empty hospital ward. 

akaashi lies down on the floor, and curls up into a small ball, shaking uncontrollably from the freezing temperatures and the silent, bitter tears. 

the ground feels cold under his back, but his whole body is too numb to acknowledge the physical pain he’s placed himself in. 

he clutches the letter close to his chest, and lets the world around him fade out as he feels his energy drain from him. he breathes out softly and his eyes gradually close, with the picture of bokuto’s golden ones heavily visualised in his mind. 

he had one job. his sole job was to save lives. but it seemed like he had lost the life that meant the most to him. 

and it was his fault. it was all his fault. if only he had gotten there three minutes earlier… 

akaashi guessed he didn’t know how to save a life, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys for reading , comments are greatly appreciated <33


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